One Time, Badly Read online

  "What about you?" she quickly changed the subject before she could start rambling nervously about herself.

  "I'm actually back in school believe it or not," he looked tired as he said it. Happy, but tired.

  "Oh, yeah?" Cee was surprised. "Are you still going for law?"

  "I am, yeah," Max hesitated before going on. "I actually ended up finishing out that semester, back when, well you know when. I really only had finals left at that point, so I just got through them and then didn't register for classes for the next semester. It took me a while to get back on track, but I'm just about done now. I'm going to be graduating in May if everything works out."

  "Max," Cecelia could feel the emotion of this conversation finally hitting her. "Max, that's incredible. Really, really incredible."

  "Thanks, Cee" he looked a bit overwhelmed himself. He finished his drink, placing the empty bottle on the bar beside him and checked her glass. "Can I get you another one?"

  Cecelia nodded and sipped the last of her own drink as Max flagged down the bartender. She was grateful that he'd broken the moment; she didn't want to end up crying in front of him. Not here and not now.

  Max dropped some cash on the bar as their drinks were placed down in front of them and handed her a fresh cup before taking a swig of his own. He let out a nervous laugh.

  "I feel weird," he turned quickly towards her. "Do you feel weird?"

  "I honestly don't know how I feel," Cee let her shoulders relax. "I feel like I've never met you and like I've always known you, all at once."

  "That's a good way of putting it," Max agreed. "Like I want to catch up with you, but this is just not our style, you know? Asking questions and giving these tentative answers. Can we just talk?"

  "Yes, please," Cee finally let herself laugh. "I almost started crying for a second there. How embarrassing?"

  "Honestly, me too," Max looked perplexed. "Imagine what those two would've done if they looked over and the two of us were just sobbing at the bar?"

  Cecelia was cracking up; Lou would've flipped.

  "I don't even want to think about Lou's reaction to that," Cee eyed her friend wearily across the room. "She's been stressed about us seeing one another again."

  "Yeah, I got that from the many threats that Joe made on my life," Max shrugged. "They're just being good friends, but he got a little too detailed at one point. Something about ripping my eyeballs out."

  "Ew, not your eyeballs! Those are the best part," Cee clamped her mouth shut as soon as the words were out. Why she couldn't have clamped it shut before she spoke was just her luck. And maybe the vodka had a bit to do with it, too.

  Max looked very pleased with himself as he regarded her.

  "The best part, huh?" he smirked.

  "I shouldn't have said that. I think I'm drinking these too quickly," she tried to backtrack, but the mood had changed.

  "Don't take it back now! I'm just enjoying the compliment," Max took a swig of his beer. "It's not everyday someone tells you what your best part is."

  "Max," she groaned.

  "I'm sorry, I'll stop," he held up his hands. "It's wiped from the record, you never said it."

  "Thank you," Cee placed her drink on the bar and pushed it from her, a move that had Max laughing.

  "So, moving on," Cee reached for the box that Max had set on the bar beside him. "What did Joe get you all? And who's the best man?"

  "That would be a custom made cigar box filled with Cubans," Max popped the top, showing her the neatly placed wares inside. "And you're looking at him."

  "No way," Cee's jaw dropped. "How'd you pull that one off?"

  "Wow, I'll take that as a congratulations," he shot her a look, faking indignation. "And I happen to be Joe's oldest friend. I might've dropped off the map for a few years, but history has a way of erasing that, you know?"

  He was regarding Cecelia now, trying to read her.

  "Yeah, I do know a little bit about that," her voice had gone soft as she placed the cigar box back where it had been.

  "It really is good to see you, Max," she grabbed onto the hand he had resting on the bar. "This is all I ever wanted, to see you like this."

  "Cee, you have no idea," he gripped her hand. "I did everything I could to get here. I just can't believe you're even talking to me."

  "I could say the same thing," she could feel her voice cracking. "The way I just left…"

  "Cecelia, no," he shook his head. "That's not fair and we both know it. You only did what had to be done."

  "Max," she was going to apologize again, she could feel it even though her instinct was to fight it.

  "Cee, come on, let's go check in on the bride and groom," his own smile was teary. "We have a lot of responsibilities now. We can't forget them."

  "Ok, you're right," Cee shook her head lightly, feeling the buzz that was clouding her thoughts. "I'll be sure to smile, so Joe doesn't do anything to your eyes."

  "That would be greatly appreciated," she could feel Max's hand on her lower back as he began leading them across the room. She noticed how his arm stiffened and dropped when he realized what he was doing; old habits already haunting them.

  By the time they reached Lou and Joe, Lou's questioning gaze could only be described as penetrating. Cecelia wandered away from Max, towards the table where the tray of champagne had been placed. She picked up a flute just to have something to do with her hands.

  Lou was beside her in seconds.

  "Are you ok? Joe told him to leave you alone, to let you go to him when you were ready," Lou was clearly frustrated. "Of course, he can't listen to one simple request. Wouldn't be Max Maylor if he didn't just do whatever the hell he wanted."

  "Lou, calm down. I'm totally fine and it needed to happen," Cee did her best to look unbothered even though her heart was still beating at an odd pace with no signs of regulating anytime soon. "We're going to be seeing a lot of each other. He is the best man after all."

  "Ugh, sorry I didn't warn you about that one," Lou rolled her eyes. "I was hoping that Joe would change his mind last minute and ask his weirdo cousin from down the shore."

  "Lou, I know that you still have a lot of ill feelings towards Max for everything that happened with us, but it doesn't seem like he's like that anymore," Cee implored. "He's the best man in your wedding, I don't want you having any issues with him on my account. Consider the air cleared between us."

  "One conversation and the air is cleared?" Lou seemed incredulous.

  "Yes, the air is cleared," Cee met Lou's eyes with a strong gaze. "Obviously there's history there and maybe things will be weird from time to time, but I'm going to be ok. We talked and I feel fine."

  "You're sure you're ok? You're not just saying that?"

  "Lou, you'd be able to tell if I was lying. I'm good," she shot her friend a smile. "This is the perfect party and I can't wait to start planning this wedding. Can we just focus on that?"

  "If you insist," Lou laughed. "I already have so many ideas I haven't told you about. I'm going to write it all down when I get home tonight."

  "Great, I can't wait to hear them," Cee squeezed Lou's arm. "It's going to be a beautiful wedding."

  "I hope so," Lou glanced over her shoulder in time to catch Joe and his groomsmen taking a round of shots. "Seriously? He's going to be so sick tonight."

  And with that, Lou rushed off to scold Joe. He just laughed and scooped her up in his arms, planting a sloppy kiss on her face as she dissolved into laughter.

  Cee grabbed her water bottle from her bag and took a swig, capping and replacing it before shrugging her coat on. She'd had enough for one night, she thought. She quickly said her goodbyes, promising to call Lou in the morning. She found Max trying to force a glass of water into Joe's hand, and gave him a quick hug telling him again that it was good to see him before making her exit.

  The air was cooler outside than when she'd entered the bar and she was grateful for the chill in her lungs as she took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
She couldn't believe it was over. She couldn't believe she talked to Max, had a whole conversation with him, and felt peaceful about it. She stepped forward as the light on the corner up ahead turned green, throwing her hand in the air to catch an oncoming cab.

  She smiled to herself as the cabbie switched off his vacancy light and pulled to a stop in front of her.

  "Cecelia, wait!" she whipped her head around in time to see Max stepping out of the bar, the door swinging closed behind him.

  "Max?"

  "I know it's late, but do you want to grab a cup of coffee or food or something? There's a diner around the corner that's not too bad," he looked sure she would say no. It was as if he'd run out here in spite of himself, fully aware of the fact that he was pushing his luck past its limits.

  She didn't answer right away and she could see the cabbie throwing up his hands out of the corner of her eye. You coming, lady?

  "Please, Cee? I promise not to spill anything on you," he smiled hopefully at her, the same smile she'd seen for the first time in the bedroom of that frat house all those years ago. It was the FOMO on Cecelia smile and it was quite possibly more effective with the passage of time.

  Cecelia nodded at Max and waved the cab off.

  "Sure, I could go for some hot chocolate. It’s finally starting to get colder out," she fell into step beside him.

  "Yeah, finally," he was looking straight ahead, hands in his pockets. "I always think of you in the fall."

  "Oh, just in the fall?" Cecelia wrapped her coat around herself, trapping the warmth inside.

  "Yeah, strictly in the fall. It's like as soon as the leaves start turning I remember this girl. Takes a few days before I even realize it's you," Max hadn't worn a coat, but he didn't seem to be feeling the cold the same way that she was.

  "I'm your fall girl. I'll take it," Max signaled them left at the corner and Cecelia was happy to follow along.

  "Wouldn't want to be my summer girl, that's for sure," it was easier to talk like this, side by side, without having to look him in the face.

  "That's for damn sure," she could see the diner up ahead and she glanced up at Max now to find him looking back down at her.

  "Hate to tell you, but you're the year-round girl, Cee. Couldn't forget you in the summer, even if I tried," Max stopped short and reached for the door to the diner. There were just a few patrons scattered about, the sound of pots and pans drifting in from the kitchen overtook the quiet conversations.

  Cecelia felt a certain calm envelope her as the waitress led them to a booth along the window and Max quickly excused himself to use the restroom. Seeing him had not been all that she had expected. The longing and sadness that she forethought did not dominate everything else that she felt at the sight of him, four feet away for the first time in too long. Much too long. In this moment of focus, her first in nearly a week, she felt thankful for the circumstances that ended their relationship.

  Of all of the terrible decisions he’d made, he had never chosen to part from her. There had been no other woman receiving quickly deleted text messages or waiting for him to excuse himself from her presence for a few hours. She never had to meet his eyes and wonder where they had wandered. There was somehow more finality in an ending of that nature.

  It was a direct message that something vital was missing from the relationship, whether it was his fault or hers. And the absence of that elusive “thing”, which a person that strays can never quite put into words, leads to the circumstances which create the absence of trust, the elusive thing that everyone has the word, but never quite the stomach, for. With them, he had just as little trust in himself as she had in him, which was an allying factor rather than a dividing one.

  She had no anger towards him and it would help them move forward. What they moved forward as was a question she couldn't even begin to answer. She felt the trouble more than sensed it. And she thought the reason for that might be because the trouble would be coming from her.

  She hated feeling like she'd just been biding her time, like she was just waiting for him to come back around and she'd be taking care of the rest. She vowed to never drink around him again, at least not until the night of the wedding when it would be completely unavoidable.

  She felt her stomach drop at the thought. Max in a suit, at the end of the aisle just as she'd always pictured him. The wedding night would be interesting, indeed. She looked up to see Max heading back toward the table and she sent him a small smile as he slid into the seat across from her.

  "Hey," her voice was lower than she'd intended it to be.

  "Hey," Max returned her smile before pulling the menu open on the table in front of him.

  "You're not in the mood for food or anything?" he was skimming the appetizers, but she was sure he would get a burger. He always got a burger.

  "I could maybe go for some pancakes. I skipped a few meals today and I think I'm finally starting to feel it," her stomach growled, as if on cue.

  "By a few do you mean every meal? Because that's where I'm at right about now. I think I'm gonna go for a burger, maybe a milkshake, too," he hadn't looked up from the menu, but he would've seen a knowing smile spreading across Cee's face if he had.

  "Alright, let's do it. A milkshake sounds good to me, too."

  The waitress seemed to be waiting for Max to look up from the menu, if the way she rushed over as soon as it was closed was any sign. There was a beat after the food was ordered and the menus were gone that Max and Cecelia just looked at one another. There were lines on his face now that hadn't been there three years ago, small creases marking the passage of time. They looked good on him, somehow aging him in a way that made him even more handsome.

  "Max," Cecelia began, but she wasn't sure what she wanted to say to him.

  "Yeah?" He looked ready, like he'd been waiting for her to lay into him or freak out on him and now was the time.

  "I don't know. Nothing," Cecelia fidgeted with the silverware in front of her.

  "Whatever it is, I want you to say it. Don't hold anything back. We aren't strangers and I really don't want us acting like we are," the look on his face had morphed into something more serious than she'd seen in the bar.

  "It doesn't feel that way, does it? Like we're strangers?" Cecelia met his eyes. "We haven't spoken a word to one another in nearly three years, but I feel like no time has passed at all. I really didn't expect it to feel like this and it's confusing the hell out of me."

  "I know what you mean. I thought for sure things would be at least a little bit awkward, I think things should be awkward, but they just…aren't," he shrugged his shoulders.

  "I know. I mean, I'm half grateful, but the other part of me is kind of scared. It feels like we were never apart and that's crazy because we're two different people," Cecelia let out a sigh of confusion. "I mean there's so much that's happened and changed that we should probably get into, but it just feels unnecessary. It's like we'll get there when we get there."

  "I think it might be because we didn't draw it out," Max offered. "I noticed it the second we started talking at the bar, the way things just kind of fell back into place. But it makes sense if you think about it. We left on as good of a note as we could've for the situation we were in. There was a lot of respect in that, I think we really did ourselves a favor by cutting it there, just like that and maybe that's paying off for us now."

  "Yeah, that does make sense. That was tough though, for me at least. I felt like I had so much more to say and I just never got to say it. I actually ended up going into a really dark place afterwards," she glanced up to find Max's face crumbling just a little bit.

  "It was hard for me to get back on my feet. It wasn't you, or it wasn't just you, that triggered it," Cecelia tried her best to keep her voice steady as she continued.

  "It was the realization that my life could very well turn out to be a lot less than I'd imagined. I starting seeing all of the ways things could go wrong, and the life that went along with all of those different turns
made it hard to be happy. It just got really hard to be happy. It was really sad to remember things and have no one to share them with, and it was sad to forget things and have no one to remind you of them. It all just felt so wrong."

  Max met her gaze and nodded his understanding.

  "I'll never forget that feeling," he began. "Like you were the leader and all of the light and air were single file behind you, walking out of my life. I'll never forget it. I spent almost an entire year replaying it in my head before I actually acted on it and finally got clean."

  "I had to do it, you know? I was doing everything in my power and it wasn't helping you, so I had to make a decision. I just couldn't really believe it was over afterwards. Sometimes I think it never fully hit me, not in my bones. I'm scared that's why things are like this between us still, because I could never really let it go."

  “I’ve never left you, Cecelia. I never let you go. I know that I’ve disrespected you, and hurt you, and scared you, and it was my fault that we didn’t work three years ago, but I never walked away. I couldn’t do it then back then, when it probably would’ve been for the best, and I don't think I'll ever be able to.”

  “I think I’m just trying to be smarter than I was. When we were together, it never crossed my mind that there would come a time when we wouldn’t be together. And the way I left, it didn’t feel final – it was desperate. And it took me a long time to accept that months were passing and it wasn’t a temporary break. Even when you weren’t my boyfriend anymore, I still thought of you as the man that would be my husband one day.”

  “Damn Cee, was this whole conversation just your completely convoluted way of proposing to me?” He got out the sentence before her palm connected with his chest, but barely.

  “Max, be serious!”

  “…Because I know we’re two very modern people, total equals in every way and all that, but I feel a little weird about this,” He was full out laughing now, and Cee was trying not to join him, but she couldn’t deny that it felt good to lighten the conversation that little bit. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I’ll be serious, I promise.”