One Time, Badly Read online

  "It is," Cee knew she was being coy, but she was still feeling shy about her new hobby. To her, it was like putting a pipedream on the table for judgment. "It's only been a few weeks, but the instructor is really helpful and everyone there is so smart. I didn't realize how much I missed school until now."

  "Working on anything interesting?" her dad had taken up his own line of questioning. "I would love to read anything you've written and I know your mom would, too."

  Her mother eagerly nodded her approval as finished chewing her bite, "Oh, Cee, we really would love it."

  "I don't really have anything ready yet. We're still just getting into structure and that sort of thing, but we have a final project and you guys can definitely read that," she said it with more certainty than she felt.

  Part of the appeal of this class was that no one knew her there. She felt a freedom in that and she didn’t want the pressure of a familiar audience to affect whatever she decided to write about.

  "Guys, there's no way Cee goes on this free woman adventure and starts following her dreams in New York City and writes something appropriate for her mom and dad to read over the morning coffee," Sedona took this opportunity to pipe up, nearly reading Cecelia's mind exactly. She loved when that happened. "But she'll let me read it and I'll let you guys know if she's any good."

  "Did you hear that, Laurie?" her dad couldn't help but smile at his youngest. "Sedona is going to relay the message. That means we've got at least six months in between the time when Cecelia finishes class and Dona slows down long enough to speak to us to guess at what Cee wrote. We should make it a game; bet on subjects and word count. Could be fun, no?"

  "Dad!" Sedona broke through her parent's laughter. "I'm here every single day! I don't know why you guys are always making me seem like an absentee daughter."

  "You're here every day because you live here, honey. That doesn't mean you talk to us every day. Ask your mom; we have a chart somewhere from over the summer. I think we were going on 17 days of silence at one point."

  "There's no way that's true! Unless it was when I was dating that guy who worked at the pier. Then maybe your chart stands," Sedona shrugged, used to her parents ragging on her. She really was the busiest person Cee had ever met.

  Cecelia couldn't help but join in her parent's laughter, despite the dirty look Sedona shot her.

  "I'm keeping my mouth shut on this one!" which was really just a way for her mom to agree with her dad. The look on her face was proof enough. Cecelia was sure that somewhere along the line her mom would be taking that bet.

  "Donie, how are your classes going?" Sedona was in her sophomore year at William Paterson, where she was a standout member of the soccer team.

  "My classes are going terribly as always," Sedona forked a piece of chicken and looked up at Cecelia before taking a bite. "I don't understand your stance on school at all, it really and truly sucks. You're such a freak for going back, even if it's just for one class."

  "You know, I don't know why I don’t come over here for dinner more often," Cecelia took a healthy sip of red wine as her parents burst out laughing.

  Chapter 20

  2016

  April

  Louisiana was already snuggled up on the couch, glass of white wine in hand, catching up on Grey's Anatomy when Cecelia got home. Cee glanced at the TV.

  "Oooh this episode is so good," she plopped down on the couch and stole some of Lou's blanket.

  "Don't say a word!" Lou didn't even bother to look over at Cecelia as she said.

  "Ok, crazy. I'm not you, I don't ruin shows for no reason," that earned her a sharp glance.

  She held her hands up in innocence and trained her eyes on the screen. She really did love this episode. She was just about to head to the kitchen to see if she could find a bottle of red to uncork when she heard her phone buzzing from its spot on the coffee table, the screen lighting up with a name she wasn't sure she'd ever see again.

  Her heart skipped a beat, then stopped.

  Elaine Maylor

  "No," she could feel the tears stinging at her eyes already. She could only think of one reason for Mrs. Maylor to be calling her at 8:30pm on a Sunday night.

  "Cee?" Louisiana quickly paused the TV, leaving just the sound of Cecelia's iPhone vibrating against the glass table in the room. "Cee, you have to answer that. She wouldn't be calling you if she didn't have a good reason to."

  Cecelia could tell that Louisiana was scared, too.

  "I can't. I can't answer it. Please don't make me," she was panicking now, suddenly sobbing. "I don't want to know, Lou. I don't want to know."

  "Wait, just wait, Cecelia," Lou's hand was on Cecelia's arm, steadying her. She reached for the phone. "Let's see if she leaves a voicemail. If it's that bad, she would never leave it on your voicemail. She'll just wait for you to call her back."

  They both stared intently at the phone as it ceased ringing. Waiting, waiting. Then it buzzed again, signaling that a voicemail had been left.

  "Play it on speaker, Lou," Cecelia wiped at her eyes.

  "Ok. I'm here, okay? Right here next to you no matter what," Louisiana navigated her way to the voicemail box on Cecelia's phone, finding the message that had just come in. She hit play.

  Max's mom sounded awful. Her voice was quiet, strained. She sounded like a lost little girl, rather than the vibrant women that Cecelia had know her to be for the past three years.

  "Hi, Cecelia. I'm so sorry to be bothering you, especially this late at night, but I was hoping to catch you at home. I'm having a bit of trouble with Max," she paused for a moment as her voice broke, "and I was hoping to talk to you for a few minutes. I know that this isn't a part of your life anymore and I've pushed off this phone call for quite some time hoping I wouldn’t have to make it, but if you have some time this week maybe we could get coffee? Max won't know about any of this, I just have a few questions and I'm hoping you can help me. And, sweetie, I totally understand if you say no, I just had to try. For Max. Thanks, Cecelia."

  Lou gently placed the phone back on the table and turned to Cecelia, letting out a quiet breath.

  "Thank God. He's alright, Cee," she sounded hopeful, "it's all ok."

  "He's alive, but I doubt he's alright. She sounded terrible, that poor woman," Cecelia wiped at her eyes again, trying to steady her breathing. She needed to calm down.

  "He's putting her through hell, that's for sure," Lou shook her head. She never quite had the sympathy for Max that Cee had hoped she would.

  "I guess I'm not surprised, but somewhere in my head I've been imagining him all better," she knew it was stupid and almost wished she hadn't said it out loud, but this was still just so hard to wrap her head around.

  "You're not going to meet up with her are you? I mean I know you'd like to help out, but that's the whole reason you ended it. There's nothing else that you can do, Cee," Lou was already trying to convince her against a decision she'd yet to even make.

  "Lou, can I just process this for like a half a minute before you jump down my throat about it?" Cecelia didn't mean to sound so harsh, but the last thing she needed was Lou getting mad at her for this.

  It was her decision and she needed to live with it. But Lou had to live with her, so she could see why she might feel strongly about Cecelia avoiding the possible ramifications of a conversation like the one she was bound to have with Mrs. Maylor. Especially when she'd just starting to get herself together again.

  "I'm sorry, I just think you should think about. Sleep on it, ok? Don't respond to her tonight, not when you're all worked up," her voice was even, but Cee could hear the plea in it.

  "I won't answer tonight. I don't even know what to say. Obviously, if she's reaching out she thinks I can help somehow and I want to be able to do that, but I'm not going to set myself up for another fall. I'll think about, Lou. I promise," she leaned over and hugged her friend. "I'm going to take a shower and get some sleep. Finish the rest of this episode, the last like two minutes are comple
tely nuts."

  "Ok, night, Cee. Love you," she looked worried and Cee hated that. In just five minutes, she'd ruined Louisiana's peaceful Sunday night.

  "Love you too, Lou."

  Cecelia's whole body felt exhausted as she walked back to her bedroom, as if those few moments had taken everything out of her. She hadn't felt real fear like that in a while; she was guessing that's what really did her in. Panic was wearisome, even in small doses.

  She sat on her bed for a minute, pulling at a loose thread in her comforter and staring at her phone. She was tempted to play the voicemail again, but what good would that do? Just one listen and she already had Elaine Maylor's broken voice on repeat in her mind. For Max, she had said.

  Cecelia grabbed her slippers and robe and made her way to the bathroom for a long, hot shower. She was planning on thinking it over in the calm of the warm water, but she already knew what her decision would be.

  For Max.

  She texted Mrs. Maylor during her lunch break the next day. She hadn't discussed it with anyone, hadn't even told her mom about the voicemail, but she didn't want to be talked out of it. Logically, she knew this wasn't the best idea but, as she'd told Lou, she had to live with her decision.

  Cecelia Scott met with Elaine Maylor because she felt in her stomach that it was the right thing to do. Cecelia Scott met with Elaine Maylor because she needed to speak with his mother. She wanted to make sure that someone was taking care of him, someone with the ability to put him back together. Cecelia Scott met with Elaine Maylor on Wednesday night at 7:00 pm. She wasn't a second late.

  They chose Starbucks because everyone goes to Starbucks for meetings like this. The kind of meeting where you don’t want to question the setting, the tone, the drink that will grow cold in front of you as you struggle to bring words to your mind, as you push them from your mouth hoping that they sound right.

  She looked into Max's eyes as his mother grew more desperate with each passing moment. She wasn't asking Cecelia to come back; she would never do that. She praised her for having the nerve to leave, to make a hard decision when one needed to be made. What Max's mother wanted was answers; she needed advice. She was his mother, yes, but Cecelia had belonged to him. She knew more, she had to. Someone had to know more.

  They'd hugged when they'd seen each other, Cecelia taking comfort in the fact that, although she had sounded awful in the voicemail that she'd left, Elaine looked good. Her hair was styled in it's usual 'do, falling straight to her shoulders with a curve at its tips. She was wearing a green sweater and dark jeans, a pair of knockoff Uggs on her feet. Max's family lived comfortably, but his mother wasn't the type of woman to spring for a real pair.

  Cecelia had made sure to wear something comfortable to work, so that she wouldn't be bothered wearing it for a few hours longer. She was grateful that wide leg pants had come back in style. She'd matched her favorite pair with a tight white turtleneck and black heels. Sophisticated, yet comfortable. There was no better way to go.

  On the bus home, she'd pulled her long chestnut waves into a neat bun and applied a coat of rosey lipstain. She wanted to look presentable. She wanted the past few months of hell to have no place in her appearance. She truly didn't think that Mrs. Maylor would go back on her word and tell Max that they'd met, but Cee wanted the woman to know that she was doing fine. She couldn't put her finger on the reason, but it felt important to her. It had all day.

  "Cecelia," Mrs. Maylor said her name as they'd hugged, the motherly affection still there despite the circumstances in which they now found themselves. "Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with me. I know it probably wasn't an easy decision, but I truly appreciate it."

  Cecelia sat down at the small table that Elaine had found for them. Though there wasn't a great deal of privacy in the café, they were tucked back in a corner, away from most of the other patrons.

  "Of course, Mrs. Maylor," Cecelia found herself emotional as she spoke to Max's mom. She'd probably seen him that morning; she talked to him every day. It was the connection to him that Cecelia had been longing for. "I know that it might not seem like it, but all I want is for Max to be alright. To get better."

  "I know you do. Don't think for a second that Max's father or I judge you for the decision you made. Most days, I wish that I could get away from this mess, too. I'm ashamed to even say it, but it's not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Watching Max go through this, I didn't know something could weigh this heavily on my heart. It's unbearable pain, as you know."

  "I know. I'm so sorry that you guys are going through it," Cecelia paused. "I thought maybe I could give him a wakeup call, but I'm guessing that hasn't been the case."

  Mrs. Maylor let out a sad little laugh at that, "It doesn't seem to be going that way. Max is angry, Cecelia. It's probably a side of him you didn't really get to see too much of, but he's been cruel lately. He's not the boy I raised, that's for sure."

  "I think I got a little taste of that, towards the end. It's part of the reason I started having doubts in the first place. It's how he eventually came to tell me what was wrong."

  Elaine nodded in understanding, "That was actually one of the questions I wanted to ask you tonight. I know that it's probably painful for you, but I was hoping to just get some insight on how you and Max came to an understanding.

  He mentioned that you were trying to help him this past year and that you'd even gone through withdrawals with him. Would you be open to talking about what happened with me?

  I'm trying to get a better idea of what he's been through and where he stands. Of what may have worked in the past and of what didn’t. I'm going to be taking a medical leave from work starting at the end of the month and I'm just trying to lay some groundwork for myself. My son needs help, Cecelia and I'm going to get it for him."

  Cecelia blinked back tears at that, fear and relief flooding her. Max had to be in bad shape for Elaine to put her life on hold, but she was so grateful to know that some type of action was being taken on Max's behalf.

  She tried not to picture him as he would look now. Angry and thin, cheek bones cutting hard across his face, skin dull, eyes tired. She didn’t want to see it, was grateful that he still seemed himself on that last weekend. She tried to remember him on that first night, leading her through that crowded frat house, smiling, telling her he'd be looking for her. She wondered how Mrs. Maylor preferred to remember him, or if it was too painful to think of chubby cheeks and knobby knees at this point in their story.

  "Thank you, Mrs. Maylor. Thank you for doing this. He needs help," Cecelia couldn't keep her voice from shaking. "He's been really needing help."

  "Thank you, Cecelia. For all that you did for him and all that you tried to do. I know it must've been one hell of a spot to be in, but you may have kept him alive just a little bit longer and I'll always, always be grateful to you for that."

  Cecelia shook her head at that, her stomach sinking, "I don't know. I've been thinking that I should've called you or just taken him to rehab. I wasn't really thinking clearly and I was letting him make all of the decisions. I don't think I did the right thing."

  "Oh, Cecelia," Elaine reached across the table and grabbed Cecelia's hands in her own, holding them tightly. "Don't ever feel bad about how you handled a situation that was completely out of your hands. Max should never have put this on you, he was wrong to ask you for that kind of help."

  Max's mom seemed to struggle with her own thoughts for a moment, before meeting Cecelia's eyes again, releasing her hands and retreating back to her own side of the table.

  "Can I say something?" at Cecelia's nod, Elaine continued. "I don’t think I can put into words what it feels like to go through this, but you'd know better than anyone else would." She paused, clearing her throat.

  "Since the moment Max was born, I’ve been so grateful for his health. It’s a parent’s worst nightmare to have a sick child and he was my first baby. I had no idea what it would be like and I hadn’t even considered half
of the things that could go wrong. In the hospital, when they were checking his eyes and his ears I felt this panic. I hadn't considered all of the basic things that might be wrong with him, that would make his life so much more difficult. But he was fine, I took him home and he was so bright and happy and healthy. I just felt like it was such a gift and we were so lucky to have this perfect little boy.

  And every year he got older, he grew stronger and stronger. He barely even had colds as a kid. I felt like I had Isabella at the doctor's office every other week, but Max was never like that. I thank God all the time for giving me such a strong and capable child. We’ve watched him learn to walk and run and play sports and be so, so powerful. I know it sounds simple, but when you have a child you can't imagine all of the small victories that they'll have. Watching him run the ball and score and beat out other players, you just can't really picture how proud you'll be of your kid for things like that.

  He was always so strong, Cecelia. And this? This is such a slap in the face. His health is one of the miracles of my life, and he’s just letting it slip away. And when I tell him this, he doesn’t even hear me. He's taking everything for granted and it makes me sick.”

  Elaine looked shaken by her own words, as if she hadn't meant to say all that, but at some point the words had come on their own. Cecelia was sure she'd never said them out loud before and she felt in that moment that she truly understood why Mrs. Maylor had called her.

  She had gotten out. She'd been in the very same mess and she'd simply walked away from it. She felt bad now, for her sophisticated clothes and her fresh coat of lipstick. Cecelia didn't know what to say.

  "I'm sorry. I think I went a bit too far. Just seeing you sitting here after your day of work in the city, I'm proud of you Cecelia. I know that you don't need me to say it, but you're doing so well for yourself and it's another precious thing that Max has cost himself. I think of his future and I used to be so excited to see all of the things he would do and now it just hurts."